Sarah and Her Mother

Sometimes someone very, very special comes into your life, that changes everything in your world.  Such was my little baby, Sarah, my fourth and last child.  She was born with a syndrome and the first prognosis was so dismal, we couldn't believe the doctor was describing the beautiful little baby that had just been born to us. 

Born with multiple problems, the doctors seemingly compounded her problems. Whether it was intentional, through lack of knowledge, or experience, or for whatever reasons, I don’t know, but it was without compassion.  Sarah suffered greatly during, and after, the medical operation and procedures that followed. I saw and felt Sarah’s suffering, yet I was helpless to be able to do anything or to take control.  I was as much a captive to their treatment as Sarah was.  My heart tore apart as I watched her futile attempts to stop the doctors and nurses and I could no more stop anything than she could. The terrible pain and suffering Sarah had to go through seemed unbearable.

Later we found a doctor who treated Sarah just like a little girl, it was so wonderful to see the care he gave her!  Sarah thrived during this time. I am sure the first doctors did their best, perhaps though, if they had seen her through different eyes, their decisions would have also been different.

Sarah was the love of my life, I have never loved anyone as much as her. At times when she would sit on my lap and play, I would look down on her and see the most awesomely beautiful child I had ever seen and my heart would be filled with love and peace. Yet, when I tried to capture her in a picture, she was blue, pale, and crying. I took few pictures and have few that look ok.

I was now a stay-at-home mom. Living out in the country we created our own little world. I read and acted out the stories in the picture books with Sarah, she loved the Disney Babies. She also loved her swing and her Raggedy Ann and Minnie Mouse. Her sisters and brother, all of whom Sarah adored, loved and accepted her just the way she was. Her father, may have accepted her the way she was, but he was terribly hurt by Sarah’s condition. But Sarah accepted him just the way he was, anyways. Sarah lived almost 3 1/2 years.

Respite workers took care of Sarah, while I shopped and did work out of reach of her oxygen tubing. It was wonderful to have someone you could trust take care of Sarah. If a new worker was sent out, I would hurry home, or not leave home, afraid that maybe she got her bath too hot, her formula too hot, or she would get water in her ears, or she was neglecting or hurting Sarah, or something unforeseen had happened and no one would be able to get a hold of me. My heart would leap with joy as, finally, I came down the drive to the house.

I did pray to God. I prayed for my little girl to be healed if that was His will. We mostly listened to the televised evangelists—it is a blessing how the Lord spreads His Word to reach us wherever we are. We had some Bible story books but I am not sure Sarah understood, as I am sure she needed action pictures in order to relate. Perhaps she just accepted the stories. Except for some sounds and her crying, Sarah never spoke, except for one episode, shortly before her death, when she babbled in baby talk for a great length, but then never again.  I was so dumbfounded!   We don’t know how much she understood.

Something very special happened in our lives, though. I cannot explain it, but I would like to share these very awesome events. Sometime, about a month before her death, Sarah was sitting on my lap teething on a toy. I was looking up at the TV, when suddenly I could feel Sarah’s eyes on me. My heart felt a thrill, as she was always doing something new and exciting.

I looked down and the moment our eyes met a tremendous, awesome feeling descended on us. There was a sound like the quick snapping, crackling sound of static, or the sound of electricity, and instantly I couldn’t see Sarah’s face anymore. A brilliant white light was radiating from her—its rays filled the room. I was aware that I could see the room only in my outer peripheral vision, through the rays as they extended outward. The light from Sarah’s eyes was intense and radiating. I was transfixed by it and stared unblinkingly into it.  I have no idea how long I stared into the light—it was much longer than seconds, it could have been a minute—I don’t know. The intensity of the light pulled the muscles of my eyes—I dropped my eyes for a moment and the light was gone.

Suddenly a feeling of immeasurable love and peace came upon us. Our love was complete and beyond physical needs—not needing to touch or hold to feel loved. Though our spirits were separate, I felt my love for Sarah reach out and our hearts touched and united. Yet we were separate and happy and content. We sat for a while enjoying the feeling of love and peace that was with us.

I then had to go downstairs to the lower level to check the wash, the timer had beeped. Walking was so strange—I physically felt my legs moving, but they felt numb and heavy. As I descended the stairs, though, I felt myself walking down out of that cloud of heaven or love. It was gone when we came back upstairs, but the feeling of love and peace stayed. It was not all-consuming as in the light or the cloud afterwards, but something special stayed.

Then came Sarah’s last night with us. We had taken her to the ER, they put her on monitors and stuck her in a bed; I longed to hold her. I hadn’t slept in days, except for brief spaces with Sarah.  She had been running a fever and that night passed out.   As soon as I sat in the chair, I fell asleep. It was hours later when I woke up with a start. Warning bells rang. Time had passed—hours—and no one had fed Sarah.

Then Sarah woke with a cry. I got out her formula and started to fix it. The nurse came in. I picked up Sarah to feed her and she almost passed out. I told the nurse to get the doctor it was going to happen again. She said she didn’t want to wake the doctor unless something was going on. Sarah took one little drink, then her eyes rolled back and her sats dumped. The nurse went to call, but I knew it was too late. There was nothing they could do.

As the nurse phoned, I turned to Sarah and suddenly I felt a strength come over me. My back was to the staff and I felt myself shut them out. I felt a heavy weight, as a cloak, lifted from my shoulders. Then a surge of strength entered me and went up my back. It felt as though my soul just opened up and it was just Sarah and I. For that moment, it was as though only our spirits existed and our bodies were only there. Then the nurses came back and I watched Sarah’s sats and heart monitor drop and flat line. “Code Blue” was sounded and then everyone was there.

I prayed now that God would take her. I knew there was no way Sarah could survive what they were doing to her, especially in her fragile condition. There was a huge lump in my throat and I could not stop them. Finally, it was over, and they turned to ask me if I wanted to hold Sarah. My heart was so heavy, it felt like a lead weight. The nurse that asked, took one look at me and ran and got me a chair. Then she took out the tubing—the other nurse was protesting that it was against hospital policy, but the nurse did it anyway, and gave Sarah to me. I moved her and she rattled. I just had to make sure she was dead. I couldn’t feel any love for Sarah. I felt nothing. I just knew she was gone.

In the days that followed her death I could barely stand knowing that she was buried in that cold, frozen, frigid ground.   I don't know how I got through those days or how the family did.  I could not remember anything and would leave my other children stranded at school or wherever, because I could not remember to pick them up.  Being in shock is probably a good way of summing up that period of time.  

The Lord had sent His Comforter.  I know the vision I saw was of Sarah in heaven.  I now cannot imagine a life without God, without the Lord, our Savior, without His Love! That a God so awesome, so powerful, would come to me, to forgive and love me and to have loved my little baby so very much! There is no sin or hurt He cannot take away. Truly I love This God, our Heavenly Father, and Lord, Jesus Christ.

Time flies

I can't believe it is the 18th.  I haven't even yet started my New Year's resolution to exercise twice a week.   The first week we got that big snow, which gave me lots of exercise.   So....I guess I better do some tonight or the Lord might send me some more snow.   Yes, I have no doubt that He helps us keep our word and promises.   So...tonight...exercise--I guess it can't be that bad, I use to do them all the time!!

Weather in Our Lives

Our weather should have been in the 40's, yet an artic cold front came down and pushed the temperatures down to zero and into the minuses!  There was a battle...the southern warm front vs the northern cold front, even the weather forecasters were having problems forecasting, as the temperatures bounced from warm to cold.  

The Tribune and weather.com were reporting temperatures in our area to be in the 30's and 40's; yet, the thermometer on Andy's pickup was registering 0.  It was cold!  In a tribune news article,  the weather was compared to a yo-yo.  We got a heat bulb for the cats and kept them in the garage until we knew the weather was staying warm. 

Our lives are like that, too.   Everything is going good and then out of the blue our paths get attacked by anger or hurt from quarters we don't expect it from.  How blest are those whose homes are protected by the Lord.  He will bring all things to good and soothe the stormy seas.  God be with us all.  His love for us is far greater than anything that can come into our lives.

Romans 8:37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Finally, the sunshine!

Freckles came home night before last, so I nabbed him and kept him and Hazel in the garage through the -14 F weather last night.   Even though the sun is now up, it is only -7 F right now.  All the animals can go out when the temperature gets up to the 0 F degrees.  According to the forecast, we are not looking at any more sub-zero temps in the next 10 days!  Thank God.  It is way too cold.

Those poor people in the South and back East that are getting hit with the snow!  We need spring.  Apparently not too quickly, as they will all float away in the flood from the melting snow.

Last night I had the weirdest dream.  I went outside and there were hair-like "worms" all over the ground, and they would bite you, if you came in contact.  The bite was very painful and everyone was staying inside to avoid these hair-like creatures.  They weren't really worms, more like semi-long strands of hair.  But I remember thinking there was land that they weren't in, too.  Very strange. 

As soon as the weather warms up today, I will be taking a road trip up to get Kat.   I am glad we have sunshine! 

Here is a picture of Little Black trying to see the people inside the tv.  Cats are soooo funny.

Little Black is cautious and smart.  Super Fuzz jumps right into anything, without a single thought!
They do have fun together, though.

The big thing now is keeping them out of the Turtle's tank.  I don't think they can get in there, but then I don't trust them to not be able to figure it out.

God is good.  He is also merciful.  We need the mercy and help from our God, who loves us so.  We have a nation in turmoil and what we need now is His Peace.

Another Cold Day

We aren't having the storms that the other parts of the country are having, but we are having a cold spell.  A high today of 8 and the nights in the minuses!  Those poor animals stuck out in the cold--especially those without shelter, or adequate shelter!  It is amazing, though, how God takes care of his animals.  Our outside kitties look like huge fur balls!  They are so warm and cuddly.  I stuck Hazel in the garage, so she would not be out in the bitterness of the winter, but Freckles is too busy out chasing mice to worry about the cold!!  Since he does have shelter, I don't worry too much.

So, today, I will sit in my rocker, lined with an electric throw, and work on the computer.   If something comes on tv, that would be nice too.   I can't believe how God has made the simple things in our lives so very enjoyable!

Please Lord--Bring us Warm Weather!

Got all ready to head up to help Kathleen paint.  Walked out to the pickup and stopped dead in my tracks!   The wind that howled all night brought another day of road closure!  Shoveling is out of the question, the drifts are hard packed and there are three big banks of snow on the drive!  

Its kind of like the times we are in, as our legislature introduces bills this legislative session on whether or not to inform parents of their children getting an abortion, and, also, the bills on physician assisted suicide and the suicide predator bill.   Death has got to be the winter of our lives.

Thank God for His great love that there will be a new life for us--the promised life of a new Heaven and a new earth!  No pain, no tears, no death!  The Lord Himself will be with us and be our light.  Lord come soon!  How do those babies endure the terrible, terrible pain of being killed in the womb?  How do the elderly endure the grief of hearing loved ones and trusted medical care tell them they can end their life, to drink the potion.

So much misery, pain and suffering that is done in the name of compassion.  Lord Come Soon!

God is With Us

The dogs started barking and as I walked past the front door, a vehicular shape beside the pickup, caught my eye.  Looking out I saw a bobcat clearing the drive.  Yahoo!!   Grabbing coat and gloves, I ran outside. 

What a beautiful site to see all the snow getting blown out into the yard!  Hagan Construction was imprinted on the cab of the bobcat. It is the construction company that is building a house down the road.

The driver stopped and jumped out.  A wonderful young man then helped me pull the pickup out of the snow bank and then finished clearing the roadway!     I offered to pay him, but he said no.  He just wanted to help.  He must have been an angel sent by the Lord!  Thank you, Lord.

Tomorrow I will go to town and have the pickup checked out and oil changed.  Life is good.

Day Two

New Year's Day sales were fantastic.   Super buys found were a dog bed and a kitty bed for $10/ea!!!  Also, did other shopping...I forgot how much fun it is to hit sales!  I also forgot how quickly those dollars add up. 

Heading home--a southwest wind was blowing across the prairie, drifting in the roads.  The pickup was bouncing through the drifts, as though we were riding on waves.  Then, while coming up the drive at home, I high-centered, and there I sat in my little pickup, going no-where. 

Today was spent shoveling and digging out snow! Still stuck, but I did make headway.

The Lord must have heard my New Years resolution to start exercising!  He also knows how I procrastinate--so...day two and already exercising!   Thank you, Lord.