Preparing for the End

Here is Mom, with Miranda and I, a few months ago.   There aren't too many pictures of Mom, unless there is a baby getting held, played with, or being cared for.  She has been there for each of her children.  She has been there for each grandchild and great-grandchild and loved them all.

Now, her time has almost come.  I went over to visit her today, with Serena and Timmy bouncing along beside me.  They slept in today and were in very high spirits.

What a shock it was, when I went to hold her hand, to find out that her left hand was ice cold.  As I read the daily notes, I see that she is now being given morphine for her heart. 

She cannot walk - a tiny step to pivot to the wheelchair is a great accomplishment.  She does not stand without assistance and holding onto something, and that is very difficult. 

Pete and Ginger left to go to the store, so the kids and I watched Mom.  I put on a country western cd and read her from the Bible.  Then the kids started talking about how they wanted to die.  Shocked, I went to shush them, then thought well, no maybe we should just let them talk this out.  So they talked about dying, about heaven, about Jesus, about others in heaven and then they wanted to play.  So, I put on a christian cd, Serena took off to play in the yard and Timmy and I played cards until Pete and Ginger returned.   Mom had fallen asleep and was softly snoring--I didn't know she did that!

Mom cannot speak, except, maybe a "hi", although I don't think I heard her talk today.  She has moments when she will focus on you if you talk to her or do something loud, but it will be for a short time.

A few weeks ago I was sitting with her up at the hospital and she was sitting up in bed.  I don't know what I was doing, maybe reading the paper.  Suddenly she said, "There is sure a lot of dead people here."  I was startled and looked over at her.  I then looked around and kinda out the hall and through the window to the hallway, but there was no one there and very few people crossed her door to go to the only room down the hall from her. (I wrote first that Mom looked around-but it was I that looked around.   Mom was looking ahead and kinda to the left, which does face the window to the hall which is next to the door and this is the side she has vision on.  I can't say for certain that she was actually looking out in the hall or out the window.)  I now wished I had asked her where these people were and if they were standing or lying down!  At that time, she was talking to us and was totally lucid.  Although she might have difficulty remembering now, she still recognizes and knows us. 

We all grieve that there is nothing we can do to take away the hurt.  The woman that spent her whole life dedicated to her children and their children, to make things better for them, has to now fight this battle on her own.  We can do nothing, except pray and hold her hand.   And, give her comfort care, which her children provide--an act of gratitude, love and respect to the one that gave so much.